Introduction
Now we have all seen “Living with Lions”, the groundbreaking fly-on-wall documentary that captured so brilliantly the 1997 Lions' trip to South Africa, but this is not that. I think this is more a case of “Surviving As A Vet”, a guide to touring but true to the saying, “What goes on tour, stays on tour”. I hope you enjoy it.
The thank yous normally come at the end of a report, but I’m putting them here at the front. Any tour starts with those who need to be thanked, being brave enough at least a year before to agree to commit to the huge task of taking what might end up being 50-old, strong-character, aggressive, and definitely not beer-shy fellas away for 120 hours.
You can’t think in terms of days as these lose all meaning. You are either drinking, eating, sleeping, or, to a very small extent, playing rugby. In our case, and in no particular order, our Tour Bosses were Nigel Stumpy Callum, Sam Pest Waterman, David Hard As Steele, James Mingo Matthews, and Stuart Plod Board. Each is due our thanks, and it was great to see that in the Tour WhatsApp Group on the return journey.
Any tour needs a sense of order, and the Bosses, in good time, identified three fine and seasoned tourists as the Tour Fines Committee.
Tour Fines Committee
Andy Crokes Crocker - Judge
Ash Frog Russell - Prosecution
Mark Mongo Matthews - Defence, although there was precious little of this shown.
These jolly good fellows were ably supported by, Tour Court Assistants
Enforcer - Simon Hudson, generally to collect fines.
Purse - Phil Collins, hold fines etc, proven track record. (Rob Solomon not available)
Beer Fairy - Paul Whatley
Chief Sneak - There were two ??????
All tours work better with an itinerary, rules, and kit lists. They help build excitement and allow tourists to buy into the tour before we depart. Sometimes, kit lists can be overly onerous, but on this occasion, they weren’t too demanding. You just know some fella won’t take note and hence will be parting with Euros to boost the kitty.
Tour Rules
1. All Tourist to adhere to the Tour Itinerary and present themselves 5 minutes before the posted meeting time.
2. All Tourist to remember that they proudly represent Weston-super-Mare RFC and that the behaviour of the tour is a direct reflection of the Club.
3. Each Tourist is to hold folding Euros.
4. Respect the kitty and chop the grog when told to do so.
5. You must arrive at breakfast with your roomy.
6. Think of the Tour as a caring, supportive space in which you can relax and share. It’s not, but think of it like it is; it will help.
7. No reporting of safeguarding issues.
Tour Kit List
1. Bucket Hat
2. 3 coins at all times (except when playing)
3. Your favourite alcoholic miniature
4. Lion King fancy dress
5. Maltesers (not opened)
6. All Tour Kit Stash
Tour Fine Tariff
1. €5 - Late for court
2. €10 - Over 10 mins late for court
3. €5 - Standard misdemeanour
4. €10 - More serious misdemeanour
5. €?? - Court discretion for heinous activity
6. €?? - Court discretion, bringing tour into disrepute
7. €?? - Court discretion, bragging about rugby ability, nobody interested. We are old and slow.
8. €?? - Fines applied as a result of information provided to the Fines Committee
9. €?? - Snitching to the Fines Committee. (Excludes appointed Snitch)
On Tour
Day 1
All tourists were expected at Bristol International Airport's airside bar at 04:00. Now, there are always a few last-minute drop-outs, but all tourists were successful and made it on tour.
Here’s the rub: there were a number that were not at the bar at 04:00, and therefore, it becomes so easy to generate that little extra for the kitty. Although, to be honest, it did feel a little uncomfortable fining George Bladon only committed to the tour 12 hrs before, and nobody shared the rules or timing with him, and Rhos Cox, who lives in London, was never flying from Bristol, but that’s life and I got a laugh.
The first day went without issue, and following a short transfer after the flight, we found ourselves at a perfect hotel in the middle of Paceville between St Goerge’s and St Julian’s Bays. Hydration was needed, and as we were a large number, checking in was slow, but there were plenty of bars nearby.
At 14:30 the tour party migrated to St Julian’s Bay for a late afternoon tour supper and more beers. It was great getting reacquainted with old tourists and those new to Weston Vets. Malta so far was more than welcoming.
Day 2
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, or is it? Seeing these brave men
struggling to be upright and foraging for sausage, bacon and egg or a fruit salad and Pain au chocolate if you're back was very entertaining. A couple of coffees later, all was set right, and the tour congregated at the rooftop bar, sadly too early in the season to be open for Kangaroo Court.
There was nothing too terrible to deal with here, but we did have 12 tour virgins, which is unheard of for a Vets tour. These were the guys who had never been on a Senior Weston Tour.
Such a number required some research, and each virgin received an introduction. I share their reviews here.
Chris Rowlands.
How are we in this position? Chris is fondly remembered for his enjoyment of dressing as a soldier and barking orders at people attending his Birthday Parties. A name so often on lips at WsM RFC, yet this is his first tour. Massive waste of potential, often loses control of bodily functions, doesn’t know his own strength and most likely person on tour to cripple a fellow tourist. All this with baby hands.
Clayton Dorrington.
Who is Clayton Dorrington? I think he is a dad and kids' coach who has silently supported the current and past junior Chairman. He has come on and played 10 for the United. Well done. 10 for the United, and here is the problem: he is a shocking statement of the condition the club finds itself in, and he should feel personally responsible for the United’s relegation this year.
Dan Hewlett.
Mince is a wonderful fellow and would love to irrigate your U Bend. Once the chair of the juniors was pleased to see Bethall and Dorrington, Batman and Robin sort it out. In fairness, as he constantly remains everyone, there simply isn’t enough time in the day to be a super dad and super husband. Consequently he is shite at both and hence why he has no guilt taking 5 days out on the piss.
Darren Crompton.
How the mighty have fallen, certainly he’s toured with more prestigious clubs but none spring to mind. He has been voted in the top 10 worst England props; nobody laughs, as the rest of us aren’t in any England top 10. It could have been all so different for the ex-barman at Nicks Bar, over 100 caps for Ireland, multiple British Lions caps but a certain John Hayes snuck in and pissed on that bonfire.
Dave Belfield.
Trigger is just happy to be here, not sure where here is, and it's all Sylvan’s fault. Once played for Avonmouth now a regular in The Ship. Luckily for him, he’d failed to read the tour rules, kit list, and itinerary and needed to be pointed in the right direction and re-check WhatsApp…..it’s not looking good, Trigger.
Mark Boulton.
Serious fine for not organising a tour at his own club and omitting being a friend of Baby Hands Rowlands. He actively sought to undermine the Vets this year by organising a Birthday party, grow-up, and not letting Rowlands play for the Vets against the Hornets. We didn’t need either of them, up the Nest, I'm not sure he’s going to need his kit this weekend with impact so far.
Mark Perry.
He was a massive tour dodger and played countless seasons at Weston, starting on the wing until we all realised he had a head for the boiler. Fell in love and ran off to the south Cotswolds. He has developed a ridiculous Gloucester accent, and none of us can understand him. Don’t try and bleat on that you’ve toured with Chipping Sodbury. Crompton’s up here not getting away with it, and he toured with England.
Mark Smith.
There is nothing endearing to say about this first-time tourist and ball-shy deviant. For a man who’s never pulled the shirt on, he is far too vocal in WhatsApp chats, and despite numerous Vet trips, not tours, he finds himself on the first playing tour.
HAS HE BEEN ALLOCATED A PLAYING KIT?
It was all a result of fanboying the real men when he was allowed to enter the banqueting room and observe the hilarious sketches before the European Cup Final in Edinburgh in 2009. Finally, 15 years ago, he dipped into the beer chest and did not contribute to the kitty.
Mark Walker.
If you're ever unlucky enough to chat with his father, Mark should have a club cap, let alone a badge. He hasn’t got either thank f*** despite his old man getting on the selection committee. Stalwart of the United and Athletic, but please don’t ever let him referee.
Nick Hawken.
He had a serious problem of not playing to his ability and being happy playing in the Athletic when this redheaded hand-grenade could have played much higher. Nick likes nothing more than looking angry in the way Mingo has always wanted to look.
Roger Drabble.
Definitely has short-man scrum-half Syndrome going on here, gone full metal jacket in his professional plod life to back up his Jack Russell frame of mind. Any trouble from him on tour, lads, simply place your palm on his forehead and keep him at arm's length. Tires after a few hours. Also worth mentioning he’s Boardy’s boss, really strange way to go about a promotion Boardy, bringing your pocket-size boss on holiday with you.
Sam Bethell.
What a wonderful guy, Chair of the Juniors, coaches the juniors, coaches the Roses referees the Roses cancels games so the Roses get a nice pitch, (girls rugby, ok if you like that sort of thing) and Clubman of the Year 2023/34.
But hang on, he loves a drop and has the breaking strain of a Kit Kat, scraping with premiership footballers and regularly offended in the bar, (stay on your seats lads) spots a safeguarding issue through the bottom of a bottle from the 22 and kicks off to prove it. All be wary of Sam this weekend, voted the most likely to be offended by his own naked reflection and see the red mist first whilst getting filled in by fellow tourists.
Sylvan Edwards.
All right me babber, quoted by several un-nameable people as the hardest man in Bristol, his boys harder, although potentially Sylvan wouldn't look out of place in the 1st XV. The truth is he likes a drop of red wine, and we don’t doubt he will naturally gravitate to Rhos Cox, another despicable centre who loves a goat bladder of Vin Rouge. Mind you don’t mess around with his protein shakes as he’ll not be able to sort the hangovers out. Has already complained the polo shirt and playing shirts are not tight enough and is trying hard for the best-dressed man on tour award, one coveted by Gunner yet so unattainable for him. There isn’t such an award.
With court issues sorted it was free time, with Option 1, a walking tour of St Julians and on to Valletta to complete a pilgrimage to the final resting place of Oliver Reed, a pub called The Pub, or Option 2 stay local swim and concentrate on keeping hydrated for the game day, this, of course, being a rest day.
Having swam earlier with my roomy, Prince (06:30, no lie-ins), it was the walking tour option led by the Cow Eyed Hooked Nosed Dog Christopher Yahoodie Heath. In fairness, he pulled it off, and we got to see the historic Valletta, although The Pub was overcrowded with many trying to follow Oliver into the great beyond.
The other half of the tour stayed local, swam to keep cool and hydrated well.
Prince and I retired early afternoon to Barracuda, overlooking St Julians Bay, for fried octopus, steak and pork belly with both vin blanc and vin rouge to help digestion.
Early evening and the tour re-grouped for a brisk stroll, cocktails and canapés at the tournament reception. It was a lively evening meeting many fine northern fellows from Wilmslow Tigers, the birthing club of Weston legend Barry Shag Sparks. The conversation was so encouraging; tourists like Luke Pot Bellied Mowgli Hember and Gavin Shark Simpson, who only a few hours earlier was adamant that they weren’t going to play, couldn’t find boots quick enough.
Following the reception, the tourists returned to the hotel for an early evening and a restful night’s sleep.
Day 3
Much the same to report, early rise, swim and breakfast, both of which washed away the sleepy dust and set us up for a great day with teams to be conquered. Great kit supplied via Thatchers was adorned, and Weston looked impressive.
Match Report
Weston Vets met Malta in the first round and found their way to a comfortable win by the final whistle. That, however, is not full storey as many of the Weston Team, myself included, claim International Caps on this day representing the Maltese Rugby Football Union.
I was happy to play the first half for Malta to ensure our team had a full fifteen to run against. It was great to fall on my little brother Mingo in the first minute of the game, even if I was penalised. I didn’t think siblings could be penalised. Benny, explain?
Fortunately, many of the Weston players raised their hands and pulled on the white, red, and black of Malta against ourselves and in the second game against the Wilmslow Tigers.
Most notably in this role call is Mark Smith, as noted above.
Smithy found a pair of boots, pulled on a playing shirt, and threw himself into the fray on the flank for Malta. Some say he lasted 90 seconds, and others argued it was 3 minutes, but what nobody can deny is that the strong-hearted Smithy firstly got a cap — one he will argue into the grave is an international cap — and secondly, he still hasn’t played for Weston-super-Mare RFC.
Wilmslow Tigers, so confident at Friday evenings reception, pulled off a win against Malta, and all noted that two of their young veterans demonstrated some proper gas. This year’s tournament was therefore set to be decided by Weston-super-Mare v Wilmslow Tigers.
Unfortunately, as we set for kick-off, the referee indicates that scrums are to be uncontested, a massive disappointment to the restless forwards at the top of the food chain. Still, mauls are live, as were all other contacts.
From the kick-off, our centre partnership of Hughes and Edwards was keen to nullify the speedy threat from Wilmslow. Hughes didn’t hold back or miss a tackle, unfortunately for his opposite man, who got smashed from the off, and his wheels were lost. Before we knew it Young, Edwards and Hughes had crossed the whitewash and extras collected - WsM Vets 21-0 Wilmslow Tigers
Weston forwards, unhappy not to be on the scoreboard, came back through Nash to increase the lead. The ocularly challenged narrow-eyed Hungarian expertly drop-kicking for the extras to his try - WsM Vets 28-0 Wilmslow Tigers
It wasn't all to go our way, and a fine effort from Wilmslow resulted in a good running try just before the half time whistle. - WsM Vets 28-7 Wilmslow Tigers
The sun was bright, the temperature was about 22c, and the ground was hard. There were regular water breaks, and it’s Vets rugby, so rolling subs, giving all those keen to play the opportunity. The second half was off, and straight away, Drabble was in, Young collecting the extras. - WsM Vets 35-7 Wilmslow Tigers
Backs scoring again, but Perry wasn't having it with the mumbling Gloucestershire Goliath showing a turn of pace, which possibly included a goose step to see him in under the posts. Like Nash, Perry dropped the goal for 7 pts. WsM Vets 42-7 Wilmslow Tigers
Joe McGrath’s turn next with the quiet wing with the grin turning it on and floating in under the sticks, converting his effort. - WsM Vets 49-7 Wilmslow Tigers
Wilmslow get another run at it and go in under the posts, although the clocks are running out, and the chase is over. - WsM Vets 49-14 Wilmslow Tigers
McGrath is not done and is keen to have the final say, so he runs into the corner for his second. The extras are missed, but it’s all academic now.
Full Time - Weston Vets 54-14 Wilmslow Tigers
Weston-super-Mare RFC Vets are Maltese Champions 2024.
Congratulations to James Matthews, the club's most successful Senior Captain this season, with a 100% win record.
The tour put heads together and voted Roger Drabble Player of the Tournament, well deserved.
Thank you to Wilmslow Tigers for a valiant effort and for generally being good company so far away from home. A special thank you to Malta RFC, our hosts, for a great weekend.
Congratulations to Malta’s senior team, who were busy playing away and beating Cyprus RFC while we were engaged on their home soil. Thanks to all the non-players who also threw themselves into the tournament; the support given was awesome.
All that was left was to put on something relaxing and enjoy the spoils of war over a few beers and a BBQ. The Tourists brought just the right amount of flare while remaining discrete and conservative so as not to bring too much attention to the tour party.
Day 4
Free time saw some confusion around the court session with both judge and defence enjoying a boat ride and the prosecution missing the later reconvened session.
All were naturally fined. The final court session was a relaxed affair dealing in the main with minor points of order.
The tourists brought their favourite alcoholic miniature, and these were shared to ensure everybody got one they didn’t like.
There was a final Award to be made, Tour Tourist, and this was based on a very loose half-hearted conversation with by a few people that really couldn’t give a fuck about an award they had just made up. Nonetheless, at the court session, Darren Wheatley emotionally accepted the Award, and to be honest, you’re better off asking him why he received it.
Day 5
All present and correct, flights home and a week at least to recover and thinking about writing this.
Thank you all for your company, conversation and friendship, top men one and all.
Tour Party
Backs
Alec Hughes, Chris Young, Clayton Dorrington, David Hard As Steele, Joe McGrath, Luke Mowgli Hember, Mark Boulton, Nick Hawken, Paul Whatley, Pete De Vanney, Roger Drabble, Sam Pest Waterman, Sylvan Edwards.
Forwards
Alex Prince Larkin, Ash Russell, Graham Benny Hill, Chris Ashworth, Chris Baby Hands Rowlands, Dan Hewlett, Darren Wheatley, Darren DC Compton, Dave Trigger Belfield, Elliot Moselle, Gavin Shark Simpson, Harry Nash, James Mingo Matthews (Captain), Mark Mongo Matthews, Mark Perry,, Mark Walker, Sam Clubman of the year 23/24 Bethell, Steve Donegan, Stu Board.
Non-Playing
Adam Cashmore, Andy Crocker, George Snaps Bladon, Chris Heath, David Dangerous Hetherington, Eamonn Vidal Baboon McGrath, Gary White, Nigel Stumpy Callum, Phil Phiffy Collins, Rhos Side Step Cox, Simon Godfrey, Simon Tuohy, Wally “where’s that rabbit” Bingham.
International Maltese Players
Mark Matthews, Mark Smith (1 cap for Malta, still not played for Weston), Alex Larkin, David Steele, Mark Walker, Sam Bethell, Chris Young, Graham Hill, Roger Drabble, Chris Ashford, Sam Waterman, Mark Boulton, Alec Hughes
Mongo.
